Skryim: Kumiko Arkia Tora's Story
by Ema Schopenhauer
Summary: Khajit Kumiko Tora relives his life in a rather haphazard way, writing down his accounts like diary entries. His thing seems to be falling off bridges. Does Skyrim need a Dragonborn like him? Mmmm probably not... Warning: May contain spoilers. (Rated T for swears!) Enjoy!
1. I: On the Edge of Helgen

I: On the Edge of Helgen

I'm back at where it all started. Bloody Helgen. Imagine wanting to behead me! Me! All the Imperials and the Stormcloaks… and that unfortunate prisoner before me. I remember, he _could_ have been saved, if that Dragon had arrived sooner. It wasn't to be, though, 'cause I'm here and he's not.

Oh, but, introductions, right? My name, Kumiko Arkia Tora. I'm in Helgen, or, rather, the charred remains of it, surrounded by dead bandits. They took over the place after everyone left, clearly. I'm not meant to be here. I'm meant to be going to the Goldenglow Estate or something to steal… a thing… and burn some bees… but I went quite out of my way. Goldenglow's near Riften, in the very South East of Skyrim, and I'm all the way over in the West. Where it all began…

Now, if you think I'm going to be spouting all of my experiences from page one, stop, because that is atrocious, monotonous and tedious (they just put out a thing called a 'Dictionary', it's really… interesting). Plus, my memory is rather selective. Like, I remember what happened to that unfortunate chicken in Riverwood, but I don't remember why the hell I was in Ustengraav. Wasn't it to get a horn or something? Anyway, this is Helgen.

I don't know why I came here, really. Just for the nostalgia, I guess. The stars are out now. There's someone who passed me once in Windhelm who muttered something about the stars being how the Daedra watch us, like they're peepholes or something, but I've met Daedra before, and they don't need stars to watch us. Nah, if they want to watch someone, they just watch them.

Pff, where was I? I've totally lost my train of thought. I do that a lot. Oh, and falling off bridges. That's kind of my thing.

One time, I was talking to Tolfdir outside the College of Winterhold, and I was standing on the very edge of the bridge. It was really inconvenient because Tolfdir wouldn't shut up and I was just slipping down the edge of the bridge…

"… have to attend my classes. If you don't you won't learn. The point of the College is to educate and introduce magic, so that you will be able to use it skilfully…"

"Um, sir?" I said, but Tolfdir wouldn't listen. And all the time my feet were slipping, slipping, slip-

"Goddamn fuck!" That's the sound I make when I fall of a bridge. And then sometimes I go, "Oo, ninroot!"

No, this time I would have broken my legs if I hadn't landed in the snow. I lay there dazed for a while, and saw Tolfdir's silhouette from way above me. Through my fuzzy muzzy eyes, I thought he was Talos or something, but, no, he was just that stupid old man who forced me off a bridge.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Tolfdir. But come on! Me and him in some Nordic burial barrow or something and he's like, "Oh my, I've never seen Draugr in places like this!"

'Scuse me, Tolfy, but this is where Draugr _come_ from. And I'm meant to have this guy _teach_ me stuff? Mm, I'm not so sure 'bout that. I think he's a little senile. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he just didn't wake up one morning.

I walk out of the way of the bodies and over to the burning fire the bandits have made. It's a little unruly, liable to burst onto the dry wood just a few yards away and burn the whole place down for a second time. I kick the wood to the side and sit on it, making myself comfortable. It's hard; this armour's not made for kicking back and relaxing. I feel drowsy. How long has it been since I've slept in a proper bed? I'm used to just curling up by the fire, or, if there isn't one, finding a warm corner. I'm a Khajit; I live for corners.

I touch my tail with my gloved hands and remark to myself just how brittle the fur is. I need to find a river. Give myself a bath and catch some fish. I know another Khajit and she's terrified of the water. Won't go near the stuff. I asked her how she copes in the rain and she says she waits for it to stop before setting off on adventures. How does she catch fish? She doesn't… she steals them. Pretty skilled. Pretty skilled indeed.

A cinder from the fire just leaped at me. It wasn't very nice. I was just sitting minding my own business when _yow!_ a cinder decided to join the party. Lucky it didn't go in my eyes. They're both still in working order, and I wouldn't want them ruined by fire.

I've heard voices. I wondered for a second whether I was crazy or something, but no, I just haven't cleared out all the bandits. That's quite surprising. I thought I had. I'm sneaking around, my bow drawn, just waiting for them to speak again. I think they're in the keep. Dammit, I should have checked!

I peek through the door I've cracked open a little, but I don't see anything straight away. I let myself in, my footsteps no more than a whisper on a crisp winter night, and grin. My whiskers are twitching like crazy, wanting to find out where the voices are coming from. Should just be around that corner.

Yes, there they are, two bandits. They've not done anything to defend themselves. There's a man and a woman. I pull back an arrow, hold my breath and aim, letting it fly with force towards the man. It strikes him and he stumbles, but doesn't drop yet, and I fall back into the shadows. With a grunt, he heaves himself up and I hear them coming this way. The woman looks around, eyes looking but not seeing, so she does not see me. The man is bleeding, so it takes him longer, but, with a second arrow, he falls. She runs over to him, a stupid move.

I aim, I shoot and she, too, is down. Nothing left to do except… _loot all their stuff!_ They didn't have anything interesting, and only 12 gold between them. Pathetic. And they call themselves bandits? They're bloody useless. They should consider a new line of work. Probably one where they don't run into me. Unfortunately, they're in oblivion, so that ain't happening for them anymore.

I carry on through the keep. Rotting corpses of previously dead people are slumped lazily against the walls, their blood being consumed by insects of differing shades of gross. I keep away from them. Creep against the complete opposite wall. Eugh, bugs…

Goddamn, there's another bandit here. Nothing to do but load the bow and shoot the arrow into his neck, I s'pose. He falls like a leaf, cracking his head off the floor. Not hard to kill, really. Their skin is too soft. Lets in the arrows too easily.

I clear out the rest of the keep, and end up on the outside of Helgen, on the path I walked with Ralof that one time, or 'Blondie' as I referred to him 'cause I didn't catch his name the first time he told me. He probably said it loud enough, I just wasn't listening. Too busy running around screaming at that great hulking dragon, probably.

It's still dark, but dawn sun scratches across the horizon, spiking the blue with that peachy colour of the sun. I want to go towards the sun, but I'm still tired so I want to go away from it. Early birds, up and restless like me having recently killed their latest victims too, insects for them, start whistling. There's a tree with some dark, warm shade under it so I retreat there to lick the wounds I received from the bandits outside the keep, and rub my back against the rough bark of the tree. It gets hot inside this armour and my back gets itchy. I'm a Khajit, I need a scratching post. Half the nights I actually sleep I wake up with scratches across my face from my own claws. It sucks.

It's quite lonely out here. I s'pose I could have gotten Lydia from Whiterun to accompany me, but I dislike her quite a bit. She sounds really creepy, "I am sworn to carry your burden…" she sounds like a masochist or something. I might be into all that stuff, but I've never really had enough time for experimentation. More stupid, "hey, you're the Dragonborn! Do this completely unrelated and random quest I need done!"

"Ughhhhhhhhhhhh… fine. As soon as I get back on the bridge where you are, I'll talk to you. Gimme a minute."

But, yes, my point is, I might need a friend. Not sure I want to marry. I'd end up just getting bored with my spouse and murdering them in a ditch somewhere. Am I evil? It's only 1000 gold for a man's life.

Not sure how much it is for a woman's – probably cheaper.

I'd rather have a friend. One I can go, "Hey, man, I need you to accompany me to this deadly barrow where we're probably going to face booby traps and Draugr…" and they'd go, "Screw you, man, I'm getting drunk in Riften!"

Whatever! Riften's _my_ City! I will own Riften one day! True, it's terrible and everyone, literally _everyone_ hates it, but… that's its beauty. You know. Thieves everywhere! Then when other people kill them, I loot all their important stuff. Then when that's done, I drag their bodies away, down to the sewage river- sorry, _canal_, and dump it in a boat. There's three in there now. I've made a club! No idea whose boat it is… whoever's it is, they're going to get a bit of a shock when they go rowing. And I'll be there, watching their expressions and cackling.

Well. Maybe.

Am I evil? I think I'm evil. Sometimes, though, I just can't help it. Fighting a random Nord I met on the street who called me a 'milk-drinker' which, admittedly, is true… I'm a Khajit (sorry to keep mentioning it), milk is my staple diet, and I'm hacking at him with my sword and he's hacking at me with his mace and I slam it down and he falls to one knee and cries, "Mercy, mercy! I surren-"

It was too late. By the time I'd heard his plea, I'd swung that glass sword. Slash, blood, oops.

That was my reaction.

"Man? Man! Are you…? Oh dear… sorry! Dammit, Talos, I didn't mean it!"

Then I was kind of glad I'd killed him because if he'd heard me calling 'Talos!' I'd have been in real trouble. Kicked him in the head after that, just to make sure he was dead. Could have him squealing on me for the Talos thing.

That wouldn't do at all.

Hey, I've just noticed; where that whole fiasco took place is just down the road from here. Nostalgia! That's a lovely thought to go to sleep to.

**-Kumiko Arkia Tora - Middas, 2****nd**** of First Seed**


	2. II: Riverwood?

**II: Riverwood?**

Riverwood. Why is it called that? Is it maybe because its main export is wood and the town's beside a river? I'd like to meet the genius who named this place and congratulate him on his originality. I bet it was Hod. I bet it was. Or Hod's ancestors. Or maybe Gerder's? She's like the queen of Riverwood. I can't remember much about when I first arrived here, though. I only remember Blondie running ahead and making himself at home in Gerder's house as if it was his own house. He ate all the bread.

One person that struck me, though, was Frodnor.

Motherfucking Frodnor! "Get me mad, and I'll prank ya."

"Oh yeah, boy?"

"An' not just a little, a lot."

"… I'm the fucking Dragonborn."

Apparently, being the Dragonborn means nothing to him. I had to show him something, to teach him a lesson or something. I didn't really know what to do, until Dorothe and Frodnor persuaded me to play Tag with them. I thought, "Hm, I could… do something here…"

I was it, first. I panicked a bit at first, not knowing what to do. What do I do? Help! Help! They didn't run very fast. I just jogged up to Frodnor and tapped him (quite camply, I have to admit) on the shoulder.

"Aw, you got me!"

That I did, my good man! Then I sprinted off, as fast as I could, but wanting to keep him following me. Then I climbed on the roof of Gerder's house and just sat up there. Frodnor was just standing below me, looking up at me angrily while I blew raspberries at him. I'm quite immature, if you hadn't guessed. Then Frody (what I call Frodnor behind his back) saw Dorothe a little way off and left me up there to chase her. I was quite annoyed by that. I wanted to keep taunting him.

After a few minutes Dorothe and Frody came back (they make the best couple! Because they rhyme!) and they said the game was over and I could come down. Frody was a little annoyed at me (haha) but Dorothe was alright.

I did find that, "Come down, we won't try to tag you," quite suspicious, but I thought that if they did tag me, I could just walk up and smack the tag back on them. I did try to get down from the roof, but I couldn't. I tried but I just ended up surfing down the straw roof, taking the straw with me. I scrambled back up, of course in panic, then started panicking all over again. The cow in Gerder's garden, Friend Cow, looked like he (or she) was enjoying the pantomime that was unfolding on the roof. Frodnor was finding it delightful. I kicked straw down in his face, then claimed it was an 'accident' because I'm mean like that.

I was stuck on the roof. Me! Kumiko Tora! Dragonborn! It was awful and I've never been quite so embarrassed in my life, or, if I have, there was no on around to see it.

"I would come down," I said uncertainly, "but I can't."

"We realized that," Dorothe said. She turned to Frody and had a conversation with him, then they both ran off towards the Sleeping Giant Inn. I scowled after them. If they had gone to get a ladder… hah! I didn't need that! I'm Kumiko Tora! Dragon-fucking-born! If I couldn't get down from a roof unaided, I didn't even deserve to be the Dragonborn. I moved over to the side of the house, where the flat side of the roof was, and dangled my feet off the edge. Then I turned myself around, so that my front was flat on the wooden rafter at the top of the roof. I shuffled backwards until my hips were off the edge. Undignified, but I was getting down all right.

I looked over towards the direction of the Sleeping Giant and saw Frodnor leading Embry and Sven up the track. He better not have! Embry, the most angry and unhappy person in Riverwood, was smirking, and Sven was laughing. Dorothe was there, too, but hanging back. So embarrassing…

I shuffled back faster now, trying to make my position look intentional but failing, and got my chest over the edge. Now I was only holding on with my hands. I straightened my arms and still didn't touch the ground. Still, it couldn't be too far down. Sven was practically falling over now, he was laughing so much and Embry was getting on with him quite well, his rough voice sending out chuckles.

With a deep breath, I let go. My boots touched the ground fine, but I was so surprised by this that I leaned backwards, and fell over. I swear Sven peed himself laughing. Embry came over to me as I got up angrily, and patted me on the shoulder, "You're a riot, Tora."

They all remember that. Frody still teases me about it. Even Sven does, the arse! I pointed out that he peed himself when he was laughing at me, so that's more embarrassing, but he said he definitely didn't. I said he did again. Then he offered me his clothes to sniff. I said no. Not into that kind of thing, thank you, Sven.

Why should he laugh at me?! I helped him out with Camilla, did I not? Faendal is still pissed at me about it, but… I liked Sven better.

It's funny; every time I talk to Faendal, he says, "Haven't you caused enough trouble around here?!"

"… I just saved you from a dragon…?"

"Don't care. Now Camilla likes Sven and what do I get?!"

"Dragon tail to the face?"

"That's only because I didn't duck in time! Now go and get me some water and rags! I'm bleeding out here, Tora!"

"Yeah, you're head's a bit… it's an improvement, though. Maybe you should try again with Camilla."

"Fuck off!"

Then I would, laughing all the way.

Ho ho ho!

Wait, what?

**-Kumiko Arkia Tora Fredas 4th of First Seed **


	3. III: Wolves on the Way to Whiterun

**III: Wolves on the Way to Whiterun**

Why are there so many wolves?! Every time I decide to run down to Whiterun (that's a pun), the only way I can avoid them is by trekking down the river. But it's not really any better because of one thing.

Mudcrabs

Mudcrabs

_Mudcrabs_

My mortal enemy! Mudcrabs! Mudcraps more like! Hah! Still, either one of those species do give me the ability to capture souls. Not very big ones, but they're good enough. Recharge my bow! Do my bidding, mudcrap! Mua ha ha ha!

My point is that there are always wolves on the way to Whiterun and it sucks. Just me, walking along, happy, whistling through my whiskers, and then… wolf! Gah! Die!

One day, just to prove my point to myself, I tailed someone going through Riverwood and to Whiterun. Just when they got to that road on the other side of the bridge, I took the river route and got my feet wet. He didn't know I was there, so it was all good. I think he was an Argonian, but I'm not sure. I followed in silence, waiting gleefully for wolves to come, but none came. He went around all the bends, left and right completely isolated, no wolves coming out of the woods at all. I was astounded. Where were they?

When the person had gone, I stood up, glaring around, and padded onto the cobblestone road.

"Did I kill you all off or something?" I cried. No sounds came. I sniffed the air for dogs. Scratched behind my ear. Yawned.

"Errr…"

Mmuh? Pretty sure that wasn't my voice. I looked around carefully but screamed curses as a strong jaw clamed onto my lower leg. I felt the canines chaw against the metal. I couldn't kick the wolf because it was behind me, so I grabbed whatever I could, which was my dwarven dagger, and smacked his skull over and over again, but he wasn't giving way. I swore again, turned my dagger over and slammed the pointy end into the wolf's neck. I heard it whimper as it let go. I swung my body around and kicked its jaw. Its head rocked and its tongue lolled out of its mouth. I slashed at it again, but it moved so I only got a little cut on its back. I had to finish it. I grabbed the mace from my side and crashed it down, smashing the wolf's skull and killing it in the process. It fell, deformed, at my feet.

"Fuck… that's karma," I growled, and put the mace and dagger away angrily as I continued on my way to Whiterun. I moved quick, just in case more wolves were lurking in the shadows, and eventually got down to the Honningbrew Meadery. I moved the sign with my head.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

Did it again. I kind of got entranced by it. I was only saved by a blue butterfly skimming past my face. It didn't just do that. It landed on my ear. I felt it. I couldn't see it. Then it took off again. I swiped at it, missed, and chased it.

Mrrrow! My butterfly friend! I pawed at the air near it and it flew higher. No no no! I really tried to get it but it was far too high for me. Infuriating! I gave up and looked around. Ha! I'm almost at the Whiterun gates! How did I move that far? Butterflies lead me, I guess.

I approached the gates. One of the guards there looked at me.

"Wait," he said, "I know you."

My eyes widened, "No you don't!" I cried and rushed through the doors without a look back. Talos! If he'd recognised me… well… I… hang on, I'm the Thane! Of course he should recognise me. I panicked… I've had that said to me before and been arrested. I'm a bad kitty. But what woman doesn't love a bad boy?

Unfortunately, I'm stupid too. So it kind of makes me un-sexy. Sucks.

Ah! Here's Whiterun. I dislike it quite a bit. I hear the Stormcloaks are going to take it over and I hope they burn it to the ground. I don't care if I'm Thane! Whiterun sucks! I get lost too easily there! And there's an alcoholic beggar who tells me to steal mead for him. Screw that! I ain't getting in trouble for you!

Inevitably, I will do what he wants.

Dragonsreach is up those stairs. I wonder if… no! For the love of Dibella, where's Lydia gone?! I left her guarding it! Why? Because I don't like her! I don't care if she can carry all my heavy shit, I work alone. And by 'work' I mean 'fuck around'.

It's what I do. I walked up the stairs and looked around Dragonsreach for that bitch, but she wasn't there. I shrugged. I didn't really care about her. Maybe she drowned. I wouldn't be sad. A lot of people travel with their housecarls but… not me. I don't like it.

I went into Dragonsreach and grabbed some grilled leeks. I thought I liked them. I don't. I just take them because they're good to eat when I'm adventuring. I chewed one unhappily and put the rest back. Mm. Delicious. I think not.

The Jarl wasn't there so I took the opportunity to lounge in his throne. Honestly, he lounges in it and I know why; it is so uncomfortable. I looked around from the chair but got bored. Then… hang on, Lydia… Lydia walked through the door on the left and into the big room! I saw her! She was there! I got up and ran over to her!

"What can I do for you, my Thane?" she drawled in that strangely sexual voice she has.

"I told you to stay outside Dragonsreach! What are you doing inside?" I asked her.

"The Jarl said to come inside."

"Wh… oh… I guess I can't argue with that then," I was annoyed with her for coming inside, but the Jarl... I couldn't argue with that. Sucks to be not the Jarl.

Meh. Whatever!

"My Thane?"

Julia started talking to me again. Sorry. Lydia. I always call her Julia.

"What."

"There've been a lot of wolves around Whiterun and the Jarl's said you should take care of it. It's your duty to Whiterun as its Thane," she explains. I just stared at her.

"Is that why they're not on the road here?" I said dully.

She doesn't know what I'm talking about, "We should go, my Thane."

"Um…" I don't seem to be able to tell her that I don't _want_ her to come with me, because she looks so eager to beat the shit out of doggies (poor things… and they're so cute!) and impress her Thane. She takes off. I trail after her with my Warhammer dragging along the ground. I'm really not looking forward to it.

Julia and I make our way around Whiterun, her asking questions enthusiastically like, "Have you heard or seen any wolves around the city?" and me going, "Uh, what… what she said."

We eventually got enough leads to go on, and schlepped out of the gates, and round to the northern part of the city walls. Sure enough, the stench of dead things and shit was stronger here. I was not looking forward to it at all. My boots were covered in mud and other brown stuff, and I had to tuck my tail into the left one. I wouldn't want it to drag.

I explained to Julia that I would stay here with a bow and arrow, while she went in all kamikaze on their asses. I'd be the sniper and she'd be the cannonfodder. In all honesty, I planned to leave her fighting the wolves and run away, which is a pretty mean thing to do. But hey, Julia just ain't to my tastes. Unfortunately, she seemed to want me to go with her.

"Grab your mace, my Thane."

Sounded so sexual again, but I managed to keep my furry paws in appropriate places. I don't touch my mace unless I'm alone. Which… is probably why I travel alone. But keep that under wraps. I don't want that leaking out anywhere.

I grabbed that mace. I hate maces. But nevertheless, I grabbed it. Pulled my shield out too. Why not? Blocks wolf claws. Edged forward. I am extremely uncomfortable with running head-first into battle. Julia just ran in, sword flashing, slashing at the wolves. I followed suit after a while, angry at how good Julia's swordsmanship actually was. I looked over at her during the heat of the battle, glaring, and then almost got my eye taken out by a strategically-aimed paw.

I keep calling her Julia. I'm… stupid. I did warn you. I think. Did I? Not sure.

Anyway.

There was just one more wolf to kill, and neither me or Jul- sorry, _Lydia_, knew that. We started to walk away when _bam_! Wolf on my back! It pushed me down onto the ground with such force that, for a second, I thought I was dead. Either that or I was Fus-Ro-Dah'd.

Lydia immediately jumped into action! She fended that wolf off for a bit, then it started snapping at her, driving her back. I lay stunned, face down, in a heap of wolf crap. I almost started crying because… my fur… my beautiful fur! It was getting all poo-ey! Eugh! I had to get my revenge!  
Fire flared. That matted, greasy wolf fur caught fire as I unleashed my fire breath. I had channelled my Thu'um into fire and I shouted at the wolf. It stayed alive, turned, and came for me but I was ready for it. I had grabbed my Warhammer, because I had dropped my mace in the sod, so I pulled it through the air at that mound of muscle, crying out as it hit the wolf. Its body flew through the air like a doll, landing a while away with a thud that made Julia cringe. Blood spattered the ground around it as it landed.

It was like a pancake that had too much butter on it. Schlop.

I was still mad. I growled my way back into Whiterun. Goddamn wolves. Julia came after me. I turned to her, told her to go on ahead while I washed myself up. I wasn't going to present myself to the Jarl looking like this! I looked hideous! Smelt it, too. She nodded and went off, while I scurried down to the river outside Whiterun. It felt cool against my burning fur and I took a dip.

I washed myself as best I could, and, when no one was looking, splashed around like a toddler. It was a necessary thing. Splashing makes me happy. It makes anyone happy. How can it not?

I got back up to Dragonsreach, wet footprints trailing all the way up through the city, and presented myself to the Jarl. He looked at me, wondering why I was so damp, but I tried to make my eyes say, "Yeah, I'm all wet, but don't you dare comment on it or I'll send you into Oblivion and dance on your bones. Now shut up and give me my reward, biatch."

He didn't comment. He sat forward a bit. He looked me up and down again.

"My Thane, what should I do?"

I didn't break eye-contact with the Jarl, "Stand down and stay here." She moved back.

"Your services are valued. If you are expecting a reward, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. It is as your hoursecarl says; you are the Thane of Whiterun and so have the duties of a Thane. We have provided you with your housecarl, which is a large asset for anybody to have, and certainly one a Thane deserves. However, this is merely a duty of a thane and, therefore, no reward will be given to you this time, Thane Tora."

W…

Whut?

_Bastard_! I almost got killed for you! This is _not okay_!

Wait, no reward _this time_? Implying there might be a reward _next_ time?

I met the Jarl's eyes one more time, and this time they said, "There better fucking be a reward next time…"

Then, when I turned to go out of Dragonsreach, I slipped on the little puddle of water from the river that had accumulated at my feet, and fell flat on my back.

Damn… and I was so sexy…

**-Kumiko Arkia Tora - Loredas 5****th**** of First Seed**


	4. IV: Ah Lost Mah Mace!

**IV: Ah Lost Mah Mace!**

I'm the Thane of Whiterun and I don't have a house in the damned city. It's shit, it really is! See why I hate Whiterun? I'll burn it! Eeeyah! Burn to the ground!

… I think I've lost my head. Whatever. Watching ants crawl over a rock really is inspiring. They could just go around it.

Then again, by the same token, I could just go around the mountains in Skryim but…

Pffft. Nah, man.

I think I'll make my way all the way over to Winterhold. I could do with some… education. And maybe a chat with J'Zargo. J'Zargo J'Zargo J'Zargo! He's, like, the best. Though Mirabelle's pretty hot too… I don't know if she's interested in me though. I could always invite her to my room, I'm sure no one else would mind! I'd get on top of her in the bed and everyone would be able to see us because there are no doors.

I think that's stupid. No doors! It gets really cold in there. I mean, it snows all the bloody time. Anyway, I'm not in the snow yet. I just set out for Winterhold. I'm pretty far away. Still, I could do with a nice, long walk. I'm walking at a nice, brisk pace, over bridges and across grasslands. I would whistle but, when my whiskers have got this long, it is really quite difficult. The air gets stuck in them.

Talking of whistling, there was a time I got in really big trouble. I'm not sure where it was, but it was on some isolated farm or other, and it was near to this Forsworn encampment. Now, the farm people were really worried about facing the Forsworn, so they wanted to keep quiet and they were doing quite well until, heh, I arrived.

"Hiya, y'all!" I announced my arrival, swinging my arms and twirling my weapon of choice in my hand. Think it was an iron mace. It was nothing special. That was back when I had the Axe of Whiterun, so it must have been just after I was appointed Thane. Yeah, some point around then.

"For the love of Dibella! Keep your voice down!" I got hissed at with such fury and force that I felt like it was a shout or Thu'um or something. They continued, "Are you always so loud?"

"I- I'm loud?" I'd never thought of myself as 'loud' before. I'm a Khajit. I'm meant to be sly and sneaky. Not 'loud'. At most, I'd label myself, 'noisy when drunk', but not 'loud'.

"You're loud! Look, keep your voice down will ya?" the guy who whispered at me pulled me to the side and explained the whole Forsworn situation. When he'd finished, I described his situation as, "a load of old bollocks."

"Ridiculous! If there are Forsworn over there, take your swords and kill them! They're a damn nuisance as far as I'm concerned."

"They've been there for three weeks! We can't… they'll steal everything and burn the farm to the ground!" he hissed and spat at me with every 's' sound. I moved away from him as soon as I could. I wanted to make a point that the Forsworn weren't scary or anything, so I walked around to the back of the farm, hopped over the gate into their vegetable patch and wandered between the leeks, whistling. I'd recently groomed myself so I had less hair around my mouth and was able to whistle. It sounded good, but then I was literally tackled to the ground.

I struggled, spat dirt and sat up, knocking the guy's wife off me, saying, "Hey, I know I'm irresistible and all, but keep your paws to yourself!"

"Shut up, Khajit! We don't like your kind here! You're too arrogant!"

She took a dig at me! And my personality! And my race! Bitch! She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't have a sexy tail. And arrogance comes with the species; I'm a Khajit. I'm beautiful. Unless I'm bleeding, in which case I'm… not so much.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Am I making too much noi-"

I didn't get to finish because an arrow streaked just past our heads and thwacked into the fence.

"Damn you! They're here!" the woman got up, seized a pitchfork and backed away. I stood up, unaware that there was a Forsworn man right behind me and huffed at the woman. I thought she just had a problem with me so I folded my arms and started to say, "What's your beef?" but I didn't finish because a great muscular arm wrapped around my neck and dragged me backwards.

"We've got a live one!" one of the Forsworn cried.

"Kill the girl!"

Gah! All this, just 'cause I whistled?! Damn them all to Oblivion! No, this isn't going to end like this! I twisted and twisted in the brute's arms, but he was much bigger than any other Forsworn member I'd ever seen. It was like he was the big, dopey brother, content only when he's smashing skulls like thrush eggs or squishing bodies like snowberries. He was terrifying. A hulking mass of muscle and fibre.

I reached for the only weapon I could lay my hands on, that useless iron mace. He didn't seem to notice. The rest of the Forsworn were advancing on the woman, and the man had come around to the front of the house to shield his wife. How noble!

I grabbed the mace and swung it around with all the strength I could and felt the brute's kneecap shatter under the mace's head. Sounded bad, too. The brute didn't let go! He was obviously too thick to comprehend the pain. In the end he looked down at his bleeding knee, started to put weight on it, yelled horribly and fell, releasing me.

I stumbled slightly, regained myself, then straightened up. I pulled my mace up and round, swinging it into the left arm of a man holding a bow, pulling the string right back, ready to release it straight into the woman's torso. He cried out, and the force of the hit I inflicted on him made him twirl to face me. I aimed the mace at his head, but missed a bit and ended up swinging it up to hit his genitals.

Ooooooh!

He fell, squealing, clutching his manlihood and I stepped over him. I put the mace into the side of one of the people running towards the couple, then pulled it and swished it into his spine. He was dead before he hit the ground. The last one, a woman wearing nothing but a skimpy pelt, I grabbed by the throat and tore her windpipe with my claws. I hit her in the stomach just for luck, but her body was unresponsive as I kicked it.

The hulking brute was still alive, though. I could tell he would be a problem, so I had better finish him sooner rather than later. I gave the man and woman a glance as if to say, "Yes, bitches, I've just saved your lives," then strolled back over to the brute.

"_I'll kill you_!" he shrieked, sounding like a Hagraven or something. I put the mace into the air, ready to bring down on his head, but he swung his hand into me and it sent me reeling. I wasn't expecting that kind of strength! What the fuck?!

"Gah!"

"_I told you I'll kill you_!"

"Not on my watch!" I leaped to my feet and jumped to the side as he came for me, one leg trailing uselessly behind him. I had to hit him before he hit me. I spied the farmhouse and formulated a sketchy plan. It would involve half of the fence and some of the potatoes being trampled, but it was the best I had. I ran, vaulting the fence, and turning, looking nervous, trying to taunt him in. He turned, hopped towards me at speed, still frightening, and I backed away more. Just as he was about to get me, hands outstretched to grab me, I ducked under his massive shape. He couldn't stop in time and ploughed into the stone. That was all I needed.

I grabbed his shoulder, hoisted myself up, planted my feet squarely on his back and brought the mace down hard on the top of his head. I heard the bone beneath crack, so I kept hitting it until blood spurted up to greet me, and only stopped hitting when he keeled over and hit the ground.

I climbed off him. Only one man was left of the Forsworn, the one whose balls I destroyed, so I went and crouched next to him.

"I'll let you go. Tell the rest of your party to get the fuck away or I'll come for you, d'ya understand?" When he didn't answer, I grabbed his hair, "Understand?!"

"Y- yes…! Yes! I'm sorry!" he was crying so much I thought he'd drown.

"Good. Get out of here."

He had to crawl, one hand cradling his testicles, the other pulling him along the ground. He should have invested in a codpiece. Honestly, it's saved… _me_… several times.

I went over to the man and woman, shrugging, ready for an onslaught of praise and thankfulness, but that's not what they said…

"What…?" the man said, "You let one get away?!"

"Honestly, it was nothing. It- whuh?"

"What are we going to do about this guy?!" the woman screamed. "There's blood on the cabbages! The potato plants!"

I blinked. I'd just saved their lives! Of course, if I'd not come along at all, they'd have continued with their silent lives and been perfectly safe. But… I solved the problem they'd been avoiding facing. That's a good thing.

"I just-"

"Is that a crack in the bricks?"

"You've got a lot to answer to! What's your name?!"

"I- I've got a lot to answer to? Hang on there! I just… I saved you! Look, I'm sorry about your plants, but hey, you won't have them coming around again, so… that's something, right?"

"That's as much as you know!" the man wailed. "You let one go! Suppose he comes back with more?!"

I felt helpless. What did I do wrong?! Apart from fucking whistle! Talos…

"Look, fine fine. How's about I stay here outside your farm for a few days and he comes back with reinforcements, I'll be here to stop them."

The man mumbled something but seemed to agree.

The woman, though…

"What about our plants? They're the only food we have!"

I ended up staying there three nights and days, wasting my time, and giving them half of the food I was carrying with me. On the plus side, though, I got to loot all the dead Forsworn. Not much on them, though.

On the third day, when I'd packed up my stuff and was about to set out, after I'd said goodbye to the two bitches that forced me to stay with them, I decided to pull out my mace to see if I'd got any bits of bone or brain on it when…

Hang on. It had gone! I stopped short. Could I have been robbed by those two?! No, no… I thought about it, but I realized I hadn't had it since I'd smashed that big guy's head in with it.

Wh… where did it go…?

I blinked. I'd lost it. Maybe it was buried inside that guy's skull, maybe it was lying on the ground somewhere. Hm.

I'd lost it. I'm the best Dragonborn ever…

Come to think of it, I don't have my mace I used to smash the wolves…

Maybe I lost that one too?

**-Kumiko Arkia Tora - Sundas 6****th**** of First Seed**


	5. V: Fake Brotherhood

_(There may be some teensy weensy spoilers in this part but they're not hugely important and they don't really spoil Skyrim for new players. In fact, they're kind of a warning... Enjoy! -Ema)_

**V: Fake Brotherhood**

Windhelm is Winhelm, nothing special. It's cold and it snows all the damn time. I had a snowflake fwoosh up my nose once and my brain froze up. And I sneezed. But the brain thing really hurt.

I have a secret aim – become a Thane in every major city. I still have an eye on Riften – that shithole needs a clean-up, like, pronto. But geez, though, I'll try to take Windhelm first (because I'm here and I'm too lazy to go to Riften) and then conquer Riften, the City of Thieves. I heard the Stormcloaks have Riften, so that's another reason to join them rather than the Emperials.

The only thing that bugs me about becoming the Thane is that they give me housecarls. I don't need that! It's like they're forcing a wife on me. Nuh-uh, I ain't having that. I'm a Khajit, solitude is my Opium.

Talking of Solitude, that's a place I'd also like to become a Thane in. The Stormcloaks are planning to take it apparently, but… I'm sure I could enjoy it there. Plus, there's a guy who I talked to once.

I said, "Who are you?"

And he replied, really rather rudely and in a highly patronising tone, "I'm a Thane."

What?! I'm not a child!

"You should know who to talk to before you talk to important people. It'll save you from looking like an idiot."

Well, fair enough… But… I don't think I could look any more of an idiot to him at that point. Just before I talked to him, I climbed on a wall. Then I spied him and recognised him as someone I'd not talked to yet, so I leaped off and landed in front of him in this really cool spy-like position! It was great.

I think he thought I was special.

In Solitude, there's also a lovely old man called Sytrr and he spends every day and every night in the Hall of the Dead. Is he a Vampire, actually? Hm, he might be. I hope he's not. I don't think he is. His little room didn't smell of blood. Maybe a cleanly Vampire.

I don't think he's a vampire.

But yes, where was I? He's nice, whether or not he is a Vampire (which I don't think he is or I hope he's not). Everything he says sounds like wisdom from your Gran'pa or something, even when he just says, "Have a good death, my son."

Thanks, old man (possible Vampire), I will.

Sometimes I reply, "You too," 'cause I don't reckon he's got that long before he pops his clogs and joins those skeletons in the Hall. He'll trip and fall, face-first, into that fire pit he's got in that weird dungeon-y kind of house of his.

He could use it as a sex-dungeon. Wow… I shouldn't have those thoughts. I'm worried.

Anyway, Windhelm. Who's the Jarl? Oh, fuck, yeah. Ulfric Stormcloak, He's terrifying, really. Well, I could go and see him. Blondie basically ordered me to join the Stormcloaks but… I'm a Khajit, I sit on fences. Actually, I sit on anything. Fences, walls, roofs, chairs, tables, bodies, shrines, trees, faces… yes, _faces_. I got really drunk once in Morthal and tried to sit on the Jarl's face. She was okay with it; I'm the Thane.

'Thane' is the kind of word that gets stuck in my whiskers. 'Th', and my tongue's pressed to my teeth, 'ay', my mouth opens, and, 'nn', my tongue's stuck to the roof of my mouth. The air from my speaking gets lodged in my whiskers. I dislike the word. Can't I be the right-hand cat? Like a glove puppet. It'll be fun!

Windhelm, yes. I wandered again. I'm in front of a house occupied by a child who tried to summon the Dark Brotherhood and got me.

At that point, I wasn't part of the Dark Brotherhood. But he pushed me so hard into doing the job he wanted one off the assassins to do, I honestly couldn't refuse.

"You! I did the Black Sacrament, you must be part of the Dark Brotherhood! You heard me!" cried Aventus Aretino.

"Huuh…?" I was confused, as you might expect. Someone had asked me to go and check out the house because a boy was apparently doing something evil. Never thought I'd get dragged into this.

"Who are-"

"I want you to kill the woman who works at the Riften orphanage. She's called Grelod the Kind and she's a horrible old woman!"

"Th- the '_Kind_'?"

"I think it's a self-given nickname, she's not kind."

"Right…" I tilted my head and queried weakly, "Wouldn't it just be better to wait for her to drop dead? You said she was old."

"No! I want you to kill her! You're an assassin, right?"

I opened my muzzle to say 'no', but the word 'assassin' really got me. It meant dangerous… sneaky… sexy.

"Yeah," I ended up saying, "why not? Riften, you say?"

"Yeah. Kill her."

The boy's plea was really quite frightening though – how many other nine- or ten-year-old boys wish death upon their temporary guardians?

I left the house, after inspecting the ingredients to the Black Sacrament with a wary eye, wondering what to do.

The Black Sacrament is a magical thing someone does and when they do it, the Dark Brotherhood are alerted. Now, I was not an assassin back then. However, I had lied and taken the job of murdering an old woman. Surely the Brotherhood would know I did that? Suppose they sent someone to assassinate _me_?

Back then, I had no intention of going to Riften. I'd only been a couple of times and hadn't really thought much of it. Now I had to go to Riften to kill a person. Hmm… that's dark.

So I went.

I was still concerned about being killed by the Dark Brotherhood, but they hadn't struck yet. Even so, as I entered the city, I felt uneasy. Like something, somewhere was watching me. When I camped in the city that night, I didn't even touch myself. They would see!

I woke up mega-early, about half-two, and decided to try and shake the feeling. I had a necklace with me that I didn't care about so I 'mistakenly' left it on the ground where the moonlight would catch it easily. I took a walk, wondering if someone actually was watching me, and, if they were, whether they would take the bait.

To cut a long story short, they didn't.

I don't think.

An early morning murder would shake my jeebies, so I approached that orphanage. I planned to use my bow and arrows, but was still pondering what the layout of the place would be. I had to get familiar with that to find a little place to strike from, right? Right.

I entered.

"We're not letting any children be adopted now. Please leave."

I frowned at the young lady in front of me. Who…? This would complicate things.

"I'm not… You're not Grelod, are you?"

"Oh, no, I'm Constance Michel, but, sir, we're not-"

I cut her off, hopefully not too rudely, "Oh, I'm here to, eh, inspect the cleanliness of this establishment."

Fortunately for me, when I see someone I like, I tend to speak better. Educated, like.

She looked doubtful, though, probably because I didn't look so sparkling clean myself.

"I assure you, we're clean here."

"Could I see Grelod, please?"

"Um, sure…."

She went and I followed sneakily. This was turning out to be a rather hard assassination.

The next room had a table with food on it, cheeses, leeks, uncooked and cooked meat et cetera. It was adjacent to the orphans' bedroom and it was in there I got my full taste of the situation.

The old woman was striding down the row of four children, inspecting how grubby they were. The Constance girl looked a little embarrassed at the situation.

"Ma'am?" she cried.

"What is it?" snapped the tyrant and her face was almost hollow, like a skull. Her cheekbones were like railings down her face.

"A, uh, he says he's inspecting cleanliness around Riften."

"Who?"

I waved uncertainly, "Me. H'llo."

"A Khajit? Inspecting cleanliness?"

"Y- yeah," I looked like I'd be dragged backwards and inside-out through a hedge and several rivers, so I saw what she was suspicious about.

"Oh, really? What's it like here then?"

I should also point this out – when I meet someone I don't like, my vocabulary does tend to become more vulgar, "It's a right shithole," the words had sprung out of my mouth before I could stop them. The kids, all four of them, gasped and started giggling at the curse word. Yep, immaturity in its finest form.

"Do not use that language around my children!"

"Thought they were orphans?"

"You're not here to inspect this place at all, and we're not putting children up for adoption. Constance, show him out," she turned, "and you lot, make your beds. I'll be back to inspect them in five minutes!"

I was dragged to the door, now understanding entirely what Aventus Aretino meant.

"I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Grelod, well, she's…"

"Is she always like that?" I asked curiously, just to make sure that Aretino wasn't biased.

"I'm afraid so. Look, I have to help the children make their beds. Some of them can't do it. Please, don't come back, she doesn't like strangers."

I turned to go but, as soon as she was out of sight, I nipped back through and ducked under the table, holding my tail. I lowered my breathing to a silent sniffle and waited the five minutes until the she-dog herself came back.

I saw her shadow coming down the stairs and I pulled out the bow and a rare Dwarven arrow. I had only 6 and I was saving them but this bitch had asked for special treatment.

She moved along the beds, inspecting them slowly. The Constance girl was out of sight somewhere.

I aimed, pulling the drawstring back as far as possible and held my breath. I started to perspire with the adrenaline. One kid, a small boy, hadn't made his bed properly and the woman stood right in front of him, chewing him out. She was standing still. I checked my aim once more and, biting my tongue, let that arrow fly.

It found purchase in her side and went in deep, striking so fast that there was a delay before her blood weaved out. She was still on the floor and it was done. For better or for worse.

For a few seconds, there was absolute silence. I took the opportunity to sneak back to the front door to act like I was literally just leaving. My heart was still at a galloping pace and I tried to slow it by breathing deeply and slowly. Talos! I've never… done that. I mean, I've killed with a bow but not like this! Not around children! Unless, of course, I am to kill the children. Which I would probably do.

If they're Frodnor.

Which they probably are.

…

Ignore that, it makes no sense.

Needless to say, they were all rather happy with my murderous plan and didn't rat me out to the Jarl. They were probably thinking the same thing as Aventus.

Then guess what? Constance Michel became the person who runs the orphanage, and she still does.

Then guess what?!

I got an ominous letter with nothing on it except a black handprint and the words 'we know' underneath.

And the handprint is the symbol of the Dark Brotherhood.

Man.

I was in real shit then…

**-Kumiko Arkia Tora – Morndas 7****th**** of First Seed**


End file.
